


if you loved me

by myscribblingquill



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Break Up, Courtship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Paranoid Bilbo, Starvation, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-07
Updated: 2015-10-07
Packaged: 2018-04-25 07:18:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4951495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myscribblingquill/pseuds/myscribblingquill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle Bilbo still believes that he has been labelled a traitor and that Thorin wishes to have him killed. When Thorin tries to apologize to Bilbo he takes some of the things he say the wrong way and slips the ring on disappearing in front of everyone. This causes Thorin to put Erebor on lock down and Bilbo .. all Bilbo wants to do is go home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if you loved me

**Author's Note:**

> So last night on skype [Sab](https://www.pucabilbo.tumblr.com) suggested this au and I got a bit carried away!

"Bilbo, Thorin's been asking for you again" Dwalin said as he rounded the corner and almost walked into the hobbit. 

At the sound of Dwalin's voice Bilbo raised his gaze from the ground meeting Dwalin's eyes with a panicked expression. "No … No, I can't Dwalin. I'm sorry. I just can't" he said stammering slightly at the thought of having to see Thorin again. 

They'd won the battle somehow and even though the injuries sustained where nearly life threatening Thorin, Fili and Kili were all still alive. It hadn't quite been two weeks since the battle but the healers were starting to give the injured permission to get up and out of their tents. That meant the any day now Thorin would be allowed to move around the camp and Bilbo dreaded the thought that they might run into each other. 

"That's alright, you can see him some other time" Dwalin said resting a hand on Bilbo's shoulder. "Don't worry about being alone with him either most of the company will be there if you want" 

Flashing him a constrained smile Bilbo slipped of between two of the tents towards the elven part of the camp. He had a tent there right next to Gandalf's and he'd been assured by all the elven guards that if they saw Thorin approaching then they'd warn him immediately. Bilbo didn't like to think that he was paranoid but after Thorin nearly throwing him from the battlements he didn't particularly want to be around him, even if they were supposed to be courting. 

Bilbo still wasn't sure if they were courting. The dwarves that Dain had brought with him had spent a lot of their time watching Bilbo as he walked around the dwarven area. He tried to brush it off to start with but then when some of the more boisterous dwarves started to threaten him he'd taken off going to Thranduil and asking him for shelter. 

The elf had given it and since then Bilbo stayed mostly in the elven side of the camp not wanting to anger any more of the dwarves from the iron hills. He was aware that they'd seen him being thrown out of Erebor by Thorin but he hadn't realised that they now saw him as a traitor to the King. He was still waiting for Thorin to issue a statement to say that Bilbo was forgiven but it seemed that he hadn't even thought of doing so yet. 

* * *

In his tent Thorin was trying to entertain himself while he waited for the healers to allow him to leave him bed. He'd asked both Balin and Dwalin to find Bilbo before they left but so far he hadn't appeared. Once the dragon sickness was gone from his mind and the battle was won Thorin's first thought was to find Bilbo and apologize. He'd nearly killed him when the Arkenstone had been revealed and even if they weren't courting Thorin still wanted to make it up to Bilbo. 

It was a few days later when Thorin was finally allowed to leave him tent, just as the camp was moving back into Erebor. He walked slowly out his of tent taking in the bright sunlight outside. The evening before Thorin had found out from Ori where Bilbo had been staying so he turned towards lake town and the elves. 

On his way there though Thorin found that the elves on guard kept giving his suspicious glances. He even saw one of them running behind a tent with a harried look on his face. When he finally reached a small tent with a hobbit sized entrance he ducked his head a called out for Bilbo. 

No reply came. 

Thorin assumed that he wasn't in his tent and planned to head back to the dwarven area of the camp too see if Balin had any more documents that needed signing. That was when he saw a small person disappear behind the tent next to Bilbo's.

"Bilbo?" He called. "Is that you?" 

Obviously hearing Thorin calling Bilbo turned his head toward him but then shook it vigorously as if to deny Thorin's question. When he was just about to call out again Bilbo sprung out from behind the tent and crossed Thorin's path. He tried to reach out a hand to stop Bilbo from running away but as Bilbo was uninjured he was able to slip away from Thorin with ease. 

After that Bilbo still avoided Thorin. Whenever their paths crossed he turned in the other direction and made a mental note not to use that particular route again. It got worse when the dwarves move back into Erebor. 

Thorin knew that Bilbo hadn't gone home yet, he'd seen him occasionally. Balin had also mentioned him in some conversations and Thorin still hadn't been able to give him an apology. He hadn't issued a public one either wanting to make sure that Bilbo knew he was sincere before any official statement was released. 

It was a couple of weeks into the restoration process when Thorin spoke to Bilbo properly again. He'd asked Bofur a few days earlier if he knew when he was going to be able to speak to Bilbo. Bofur had given him an insubstantial answer but promised to talk to Bilbo when he next saw him. Thorin knew that Bilbo had been making himself scarce around Erebor but Bofur made it sound like he'd hardly seen him. 

The next day Thorin received word that Bilbo was willing to speak to him but only with the rest of the company present. He arranged for them to be able to use the larger dining room, common ground that Bilbo would hopefully be comfortable on. 

When Thorin turned up at the allocated time he was surprised to see the rest of the company waiting for him. The room had been rearranged so that the table was pushed up against the wall and the chair in a circle. 

He walked over to the empty seat on the other side of the circle to Bilbo he sat down and looked at him. He seemed paler than normal and Thorin was sure that Bilbo didn't normally have black circles under his eyes. 

"Bilbo" Thorin started trying to make eye contact with him even though the hobbit was staring resolutely at the ground."I'd just like to say that I'm glad you've decided to stay in Erebor for a little while." 

The statement jerked Bilbo out of his trance and he raised his head staring at Thorin with a shocked expression. Taking it as encouragement Thorin continued talking. 

"I hope you'll enjoy seeing how the mountain once was after it's been restored and the dwarves from the blue mountains have arrived. Also I -" 

"I don't want to stay" Bilbo cut him off, lowering his gaze to the ground again. "I want to go home" 

Thorin stared at Bilbo, slowly taking in his words. "But why? You just travelled across middle earth to get here" he said pushing himself up off his chair. "and now you want to leave!" His voice started getting louder as he walked across the room. 

"You can't. You can't just go home without seeing Erebor as it once was. You need to stay, please" Thorin said his voice almost at a shout now. 

"Well I don't want to" Bilbo shouted back at Thorin standing up from his chair and pulling himself up to his full height. "I'm going home" 

"No" Thorin shouted his exasperation coming out in his words. 

At that moment just as Thorin was about to tell Bilbo why he couldn't leave in the middle of winter he disappeared. One minute Bilbo was stood right in front of Thorin with a scared face and the next he was gone. 

"Bilbo" 

Thorin looked around the room as if he expected him to appear from behind a chair. The rest of the company were also looking around the room in confusion. Most of them had pulled out their weapons ready to defend Bilbo against anyone that had tried to harm or kidnap him. 

The other dwarves that were outside guarding the room heard the commotion inside so had summoned reinforcements in case they were needed. 

"Find the hobbit" Thorin roared just as they entered the room. "Find him now!" 

* * *

Bilbo was scared, so very scared. 

He'd met up with Thorin and the rest of the company expecting an apology from Thorin so he could walk around Erebor feeling safe again. Instead he got Thorin demanding he stay in the mountain. So when he'd started shouting Bilbo had accidentally slipped the ring on. It probably wasn't the best idea as the company had no idea of the ring's existence and disappearing on them wasn't what he'd wanted to do but he panicked wanting to get away from any angry Thorin. 

That was nearly two weeks ago and since then the mountain had been on lockdown. When Bilbo disappeared Thorin had demanded that the guards find him so they'd set up watches at all the entrance and exits to Erebor. The first thing Bilbo did was head for the secret door but when he got there he found that there were four guards stood by it. He tried to contain his panic but he was trapped in the mountain with no way out and if they found him, Bilbo was sure Thorin would let the guards kill him. 

After that he'd given up trying to escape instead opting to survive for long enough for the guard's to stop watching every entrance. Unfortunately though Thorin had also set up guard's for the food store so Bilbo was unable to eat. 

It had been two and a half weeks and he was starving. 

To start with it wasn't too bad picking up the scraps thrown in the bin and stealing small samples from the cooking pots. But the guard's got better at watching all the doors to the kitchen's as Bilbo got weaker. 

He tried to remain optimistic. If he could hold on for a little while longer then Gandalf would surely notice his absence and come and help him. Yet as the days wore on no help came. 

Bilbo found himself sitting in dark corner's clutching his stomach trying to hide the rumbling from it. Then he started to have dizzy moments. His vision would go blurry and he would be seeing stars until he sat down and rested. He never stayed in the same place for long though preferring to keep moving. There was less chance of being caught that way. 

Luckily the water fountains' weren't as guarded as the food stores so Bilbo was able to keep himself hydrated. Though as he got weaker and weaker he started to have more and more blackouts. He would be walking down a corridor and then wake up slumped against the wall. 

After a few more days like that Bilbo was starting to get worried. His body was so food deprived that his hands started to shake and he lost focus easily. 

That was probably why he didn't even notice when he was drinking from a fountain and dripped water down his front. He was so thirsty and although the water wouldn't stop his hunger it was better than nothing. It ended up in a large puddle by his feet, one that he stepped in and then walked out of. As the surrounding area to the fountain was dry the appearance of hobbit footprints alerted the guards to his presence. 

He was just heading for the door when two pairs of hands grabbed the back of his jacket. Bilbo tried to pulled away, wrenching his shoulders away from the guards but the long weeks without food meant he hadn't got the strength left. 

He screamed. A loud agonizing scream as the two guard hauled him backwards away from the door and towards the large market place. As he was dragged his past the fountain Bilbo realised that he was being stared at, that everyone could see him. So he reached down to his left hand to touch the ring on his finger only to find it gone. 

"Let me go" he cried out, his voice hoarse from not being used. 

"Let me go" 

"I haven't done anything" he told the guards who continue dragging him along. 

He was so weak he couldn't stand properly having to let his legs hang as his upper body was held in the hands of the guards. They pulled him through to the main gate past crowds of dwarves who all heard him screaming. Most didn't move out the way so Bilbo got hit by swords and feet as he's pulled along, cuts appearing on his face and blood running down into his mouth. 

"Please, just let me go" he pleaded with the guards as they walked up to the door to the council hall. Bilbo knew that Thorin was in there and he doesn't think he can stomach seeing him. Not in that state. 

Once they were inside the chamber the dwarves already in their away parted making way for Bilbo to be dragged to the middle of the hall. 

"We found him your Majesty" one of the guards said as they both let go of Bilbo's arm dropping him on to the floor. 

Bilbo curled up into a ball, trying to making himself as small as possible. He knew that Thorin was in the room but perhaps if he tried he could avoid being seen by him. 

As the guard left him in the centre of the floor the doors they entered through shut. A long bang resonated through the hall and Bilbo knew that there was no way out. All of the smaller exits would be guarded and without his ring there was no way for him to slip through one. He was trapped. 

That was when he noticed the silence in the room. There's a tense atmosphere, no wanted to say anything but they all seemed dying to ask question. Bilbo raised his head from where he had buried it in his arms and looked around. Everyone was staring at him. He knew he must look awful after no food for nearly three weeks. He didn't look like the hobbit that had helped saved the mountain, he looked like the hobbit who betrayed the king and Bilbo was so scared that he would never walk out the hall again. 

Raising his head a little more Bilbo looked towards the front of the hall trying to catch a glimpse of his friends. He saw that they were all stood there with mortified expression on their faces. Good Bilbo thought, at least they feel somewhat sorry for treating me this way. He scanned the company taking in their faces and ignoring the fact that Thorin was stood in the middle of the group. 

"What is this?" Thorin asked in a soft voice raising a hand towards Bilbo on the floor. "What have you done?" 

Thorin started walking down the steps to the same the same level as Bilbo. The movement caused Bilbo to move backwards pushing his body across the floor with his feet. He didn't want to be near Thorin but the king was still moving towards him. 

Trying to hold in a whimper of fear Bilbo continued scrambling backwards. Thorin was still walking towards him though with an increasingly angry expression. What Bilbo didn't realise was that Thorin was angry at the guards for hurting him, not at Bilbo. So when Thorin was a few steps was Bilbo's fear overcame him. 

He jumped from from his position on the floor using that last of his energy and ran for the door. 

Flinging himself against the door and pounding on it with his hands he cried out "Let me go, please. Just let me out" 

Bilbo could still hear Thorin walking towards him and as he got closer Bilbo become even more frantic "Open the door" he shouted imploring the guards to let me go. "Please open the door" 

The guards just ignored him watching Thorin as he came closer.

"Bilbo what's the matter?" 

Thorin reached out a hand to place it on Bilbo shoulder to try and calm him down but Bilbo shrunk away and pressed himself up against the door. 

"Don't touch me" Bilbo yelled as he crumpled to the floor. 

"Alright Thorin, I think you should step back" Balin said placing a hand on his shoulder and stepping between Bilbo and Thorin. He didn't know why Bilbo refused to have Thorin anywhere near him but didn't care. They'd just found Bilbo after weeks of searching and Balin could see that he hadn't been eating properly. 

Coaxing Bilbo to the other side of the hall to where Thorin was stood he sat him down and gave him some bread to eat. It soothed Bilbo a little, the shaking of his hands stopped but he was still tense giving Thorin scared glances every few moments. His body was held rigid, back straight but his head bent down. 

Once Bilbo had eaten and was given a cup of tea Thorin spoke up. 

"Bilbo what's wrong" he asked. 

"You hurt me" Bilbo told him. "You tried to kill me" 

Shock covered Thorin face as he realised that Bilbo was referring to the incident with the Arkenstone when it was discovered that Bilbo had betrayed them. "I'm sorry Bilbo, I didn't mean too. It was the sickness. I promise I'll never hurt you again" he said pleading with Bilbo. 

Bilbo shook his head and sent Thorin a disbelieving look. Thorin might say those words but Bilbo didn't want to believe him, not after Erebor had been locked down after he disappeared. 

"What about our courtship then?" Thorin asked after he noticed that Bilbo still had the courtship braid and bead he'd given him in Lake-Town. 

"Our courtship?" Bilbo said standing up out of his seat. "No I do not want to court you, never again. I want to go home" he raised his voice as he walked across the room closer to Thorin. "I never want to see this dreaded mountain again and I definitely never want to see or think about you again" Bilbo finished his words a jabbed a finger into Thorin’s chest. 

Taking a few steps backwards and turning towards the rest of the company Bilbo asked for a knife. The other's tried to protest saying that they'd didn't have one but Bilbo just glared " Give me a knife now" he said in a voice of dangerous calm. 

Fili pulled out a small hand knife that he kept hidden in his boot and reluctantly handed it over to Bilbo. Raking his hands through his hair Bilbo found the braid that Thorin had given him and raised the knife to it. Slicing through the hair near to the roots he pulled the braid out of his hair. Once it was out Bilbo threw both the knife and the braid at Thorin's feet. 

A gasp went round the room. It was unheard of for a dwarven courting braid to be cut out of someone's hair. If a couple decided to end their courtship then the braids would be taken out and the beads return. To cut the braid out though, meant the one party had seriously offended the other and the offender would be unlikely to find another suitor. 

Not knowing the meaning of his actions Bilbo stormed of the room, past the guards who were too shocked to stop him. He headed straight for the front gate, not wanting to spend another moment in the same place as Thorin. Pushing through the crowd of people Bilbo made for the front gate, he wanted to get out. Away from Erebor, away from dwarves and away from Thorin. 

Just as he was about to reach the gate heard Balin yelling his name. 

"Bilbo wait" 

He hesitated not wanting to stay for much longer but also wanting to say goodbye to Balin and the others. He waited for a few moments for Balin to catch up but then continued walking towards the gate. "I can't stay Balin. I need to leave. To go home, back to the shire" 

"Ok" Balin said. "I arrange for an escort of elves and men to take you as far as Rivendell" 

Bilbo gave him a grateful look and exited the mountain. Not looking back he went straight to lake town hoping that Bard would be able to find him a place to stay until he could go home. 

It was three months later when Bilbo arrived back in the shire. He struggled coming home with all the new memories but it was comforting to be in Bag End again. He hoped that after he'd settled back into his home again the nightmares would disappear. He had no such luck. 

The memories plagued his dreams twisting them until Bilbo woke up screaming. He dreamt of Thorin's hands round his throat, squeezing tighter and tighter until he couldn't breathe at all. He saw himself falling of the battlements as Thorin laughed in his dragon sickness state. Bilbo also dreamt of being captured after the battle, of being killed in the council hall in front of the company. Occasionally Thorin wouldn't kill him straight away but would torture him making him pay for the betrayal. 

The worse dreams though, were the ones where Bilbo was forced to stay. Where Thorin made him stay in Erebor and continue their courtship. Bilbo always woke up from those dreams with breathless, unable to talk with sweat pouring down his back. 

Over the years the dreams faded. He still got them sometimes waking up screaming in his bed. It gets better after he cuts all contact with the dwarves, not writing to them. Whenever letters from them turned up Bilbo just chucked them on the fire watching as they disappeared. 

He often wondered though what would have happened if he didn't go. If he said no and didn't run after them that morning. He liked to think he would be peaceful with no nightmares and perhaps slightly richer for having stayed within the safe borders of the shire.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Come yell at me on [tumblr](https://www.homeoftheburglar.tumblr.com)


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